Scott Davis: Paradise Found

GamecockCentral.com columnist Scott Davis has followed USC sports for more than 30 years and provides commentary from the perspective of a Gamecocks fan.

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Welcome to Paradise.

That’s what the sign read as I approached the Atlantis Resort at the Bahamas on the day South Carolina was to kick off its 2018 football season.

By the looks of my surroundings, the sign’s claim was accurate. Lean palm trees stretched into a crystal-clear sky. Snow-white sandy beaches and a deep blue ocean lay to my right, while a vast network of swimming pools, restaurants and cold drink stations loomed ahead of me. Taking stock of the gorgeous scene, I found it difficult to imagine a more perfect setting for a peaceful, relaxing Saturday.

And yet all I could think about was this: how am I going to watch a relatively meaningless football game between South Carolina and Coastal Carolina in this annoyingly beautiful place?

It’s a strange affliction that ails us college football fans.

We can find ourselves in Paradise and somehow wish we were in Columbia instead.

When it’s football season, there are millions of imbeciles just like me who’d rather be in such scenic locales as Tuscaloosa, Alabama, or Starkville, Mississippi than on a spectacularly lovely Caribbean island.

I’d joined my wife, parents and sister’s family for a cruise to celebrate my folks’ upcoming 50th wedding anniversary. I looked forward to the trip for months, and in the previous days had even found myself soaking up the ocean view from the outdoor patio in our room and thinking bizarre thoughts like, “Gosh, I’m a lucky man.”

I even enjoyed observing my fellow cruise-goers. There’s just nothing quite like seeing the American people in all their non-glory: Dad Bods galore, sunburned faces, faded beauty queens wearing painfully skimpy swimsuits, Wolfman-like chests, tattoos of all shapes and sizes on all body parts – it’s all there on a cruise, and what’s not to love? The American people, when taken in bulk, are a delightfully weird group. Since I’ve always felt I was delightfully weird, I felt right at home.

Still, as the clock ticked over to Saturday, a queasy panic began to settle on my heart and mind. I had a football game to watch, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it.

Look, I know it’s 2018. It’s almost impossible to find yourself unable to dial up any college game anywhere in a world of high-speed Internet connections and smartphones and tablets.

I’ve always prided myself on my ability to watch USC football from any location, no matter how far-flung. In my time, I’ve watched the Gamecocks on an iPhone at a bar in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I’ve followed the action from a baseball field in Spartanburg. I watched South Carolina and Alabama battle each other on a television screen at Emeril Lagasse’s Las Vegas restaurant. I even joined the famed New York City Gamecock Club for a football viewing party during a fall vacation to the Big Apple a couple of years ago.

When it comes to Gamecock football, I always find a way.

As always, I planned accordingly. I brought a tablet and my iPhone along, made sure my Watch ESPN apps were up to date and pre-paid for internet access on the cruise. But I’d noticed something troubling during my days at sea: my internet access seemed to be provided by a low-power generator located somewhere in northern Siberia. It seemed like it took 45 minutes just for Twitter to refresh on my phone. I couldn’t get e-mail for two days and couldn’t text anyone back home without getting some kind of special waiver from the United Nations.

I know I’m whining, and I know it’s a First World problem, but still. We need better internet connections in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. I’m just saying.

Saturday was “Shore Day,” when you had the option to wander into Nassau and do touristy things like get your hair braided or purchase a bottle of water for $10. I knew staying behind on the ship was a non-starter – there was no possibility of streaming a live sporting event there when I couldn’t even get Facebook to pull up.

Within seconds of landing ashore, I started fiddling with my phone and came to the terrifying realization that I couldn’t get internet anywhere. I tried fiddling with settings, switching from WiFi to a hot spot and just about anything else my feeble technology-challenged mind could think of.

It wasn’t happening.

As noon drew near, I made the desperate decision to forgo frolicking on the beach or snoozing by the pool to check out the sports book inside the Atlantis casino on the off chance they would make the strange decision to feature a game between South Carolina and Coastal Carolina on one of their TV screens. On my way there, I noticed a guy wearing a USC t-shirt sitting at a lobby bar.

Hmmm. Time to investigate.

Was that…was that the SEC Network on that screen?????

It was.

I’ve never been happier to hear the obnoxious tones of SEC Network analyst Matt Stinchcomb than I was right that minute. At that moment, I loved Matt Stinchcomb, I loved the Bahamas, I loved the people of the Bahamas, the government of the Bahamas, the US Ambassador to the Bahamas and life itself.

Inexplicably, Cocks-Chants took up one of just four screens at the bar, and a small group of Gamecock fans were huddled together watching as the game started. We are everywhere. “God is good,” I thought. “God is most certainly good.”

I had finally found it.

In the spectacular, sun-drenched Caribbean, I had at last discovered the beginning of College Football 2018.

I had found Paradise.

Long-time readers of the column know that I started handing out Game Balls a few years back named after things I immensely enjoy (former Gamecock Pharoh Cooper at the time, pepperoni pizza for all time). After Cooper moved on to the NFL, I re-named the Balls after Deebo Samuel, who was lost for the season in 2017 after a gruesome injury in the Kentucky game. That’s why it’s only fitting that our first Deebo of 2018 gets handed to…

Deebo Samuel – Were you like me? Did you spend the past 10 months or so wondering if Samuel would ever have the same impact after fracturing a leg and gathering dust for a season? If so, you felt idiotic for ever having a doubt after Deebo spent his entire Saturday doing stereo-typically Deebo things at Williams-Brice Stadium. He made a highlight-reel one-handed touchdown grab. He returned kicks and almost turned them into touchdown runs, just like he always does. He rushed for positive yardage. And he caught seven balls for 56 yards. In other words, he looked exactly like a guy you would compare to pepperoni pizza in its all-encompassing excellence.

Rico Dowdle – Every Gamecock fan I know enjoys watching Dowdle run the football. He’s just built to be a fan favorite – instead of merely running forward with the football, Dowdle appears intent on hurting the opponent’s feelings with his punishing rushes. Fifteen carries for 105 yards, many of them of the “I’m planning on hurting you, and there’s nothing you can do about it” variety. Feed Rico!

The Gamecock Offense’s Last Drive of the First Half – After Coastal squandered good field position at the end of the first half by inexplicably running the football again and again, the Gamecock offense calmly walked onto the field and began a breathless, frenetic drive that ended in the end zone just before the clock expired to make the score 28-3 and send the Chants into the locker room with the grim knowledge that all was lost. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard some variation of “Will Muschamp is just going to have to fix his offense if he’s ever going to succeed as a head coach,” then I’d have several million nickels. Realizing at the end of ’17 that former offensive coordinator Kurt Roper’s attack had entered a malaise-ridden final days, Muschamp did what ruthlessly successful head coaches do and made changes, elevating wide receivers coach Bryan McClendon to the coordinator role. McClendon promised an up-tempo, quick-moving strategy that sounded good, except that every Gamecock offensive coordinator since roughly 4500 B.C. has promised the same thing without delivering it. We needed to see it on the field. In that final first half drive, we saw tantalizing evidence it might actually happen.

Gamecock Defensive Coordinator Travaris Robinson Cementing His Already Solid Status as a Genuine Bad MF By Wearing a Gray Sweatshirt on the Sidelines in 10,000 Degree Heat – By all accounts, the temperatures were unbearably hot for this football game, which is why one could only nod in admiration at the sight of an unfazed T Rob commanding his unit on the field in a thick sweatshirt that looked fit for sightseeing in the Arctic Circle. No wonder our players and recruits love this guy so much.

Jake Bentley Being Sacked, Falling to the Ground, and In the Last Second Flipping a Ball to Kiel Pollard for a Touchdown – God, I’ve missed football.

The Atlantis Bartender Who Was Stunned There Were Actually People Who Wanted to Watch Carolina-Coastal Carolina at His Bar – At one point, the bartender started to flip our game over to Ohio State-Oregon State, only to be shouted down by the Gamecock contingent sitting at the bar. “You want to watch this?” he asked, incredulously, in a thick Bahamian accent. “What’s the spread on this game, 70 points?” We insisted, and he left the game running.

My Wife for Skipping Pool Time in the Bahamas to Dutifully Join Me for Gamecocks-Chanticleers at a Lobby Bar in the Atlantis – It’s unclear why she married an insane person in the first place, but it’s really unclear why she chose to skip out on beaches and blue skies to sit inside a hotel and watch South Carolina play football against Coastal Carolina. Still, I’m glad she did, because she kept the mood light even while I was fretting and almost vomiting at the prospect of missing the game. Surveying the swimsuit selections at the Atlantis pool, she uttered, “I keep, like, seeing butt cheeks that I did not want to be seeing.” For the first time in a panic-fueled day, I smiled. Minutes later, we stumbled upon a TV showing the game. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

“Script Carolina” – The Gamecocks debuted new helmets for the game featuring the vintage 1980s “Carolina” logo that coach Joe Morrison always wore on his caps. This was back when I was a young Gamecock in the age of Duran Duran and Pat Benatar and Motley Crue. I’ve always loved that logo because it reminds me of being a kid and falling in love with football and watching ‘80s music videos on MTV in the basement of our old house, so it goes without saying that I enjoyed the helmets. I even ridiculously commemorated the occasion by wearing my personal “Joe Morrison logo” cap while roaming the Atlantis on Saturday. I never knew it had a name (apparently, it’s “Script Carolina” and not, as I always just assumed, officially called “the Joe Morrison logo”). Whatever you call it, I love it. More on this later.

Even in Paradise, you’ll find a Deflated Ball or two, which we need to pass along to:

Mobile Quarterbacks and the Option – Two things that have confounded South Carolina defenses since 4500 B.C. I thought the Gamecock defense played a solid game overall, but the Chanticleers were able to move the ball at times, thanks to an offensive style that always seems to give USC defenses trouble. I’m nitpicking here. But I mean, that’s what fans do. Speaking of…

The USC Fan Who Kept Screaming “Learn to Tackle!!!” at One of the Best Gamecock Defensive Players Throughout My Viewing of the Game – As I noted, I watched the game beside a fellow Gamecock fan at the Atlantis bar, and he spent much of the first half shouting frustrated epithets at his team’s defense. “Learn to tackle!” he bellowed very early in the contest…at a time when the Gamecocks had held the Chanticleers to five total yards on four plays. Yikes. “Uh oh, we’ve got an annoying Gamecock fan in the Bahamas!” my wife whispered. “They’re everywhere,” I told her. While we’re on the topic of annoying Gamecock fans…

Gamecock Fans Acting Like the Team Was Wearing Clemson Tiger Paws on Their Helmets Because They Used the Script Carolina Logo – If there’s one thing you can count on besides death and taxes, it’s that Gamecock fans will absolutely complain about irrelevant things that have nothing whatsoever to do with wins and losses. In my three-plus decades as a USC fan, I’ve watched us whine incessantly about uniforms, the band, the entrance, Cocky, the concessions/bathroom situation at Williams-Brice, the price of tickets, Bob Fulton’s/Charlie McAlexander’s/Todd Ellis’ play-by-play announcing, the DJ, and just for good measure, the uniforms again. I guess other fan bases get worked up about this meaningless stuff, too, but none seem to do it with as much glee and as much self-loathing as South Carolina fans do. It was a fun switch-up of the helmets for one game. Your team routed an opponent on the field. Move on and do it quickly.

Playing Football Games in Columbia at Noon on the First Day of September in 10,000 Degree Heat – Never have I been more thankful to watch Carolina play from the cozy confines of an air-conditioned hotel lobby than I was on Saturday. It looked breathtakingly hot out there, and reading fan accounts since Saturday have convinced me it was one of the hottest days ever recorded at Williams-Brice Stadium (which is really, really saying something). I know it’s all about TV in 2018, and I’m personally thankful the SEC Network televised this ballgame, but man, that looked like an ugly scene.

Premature Autumn – The Starbucks by the pool at Atlantis had a sign that screamed “Pumpkin Spice Lattes are Back! Now in Season!”…as temperatures hovered near 100 degrees. Football weather, everybody!

Matching T-shirts on Cruises – Apparently groups who go on cruises together all wear matching t-shirts and tank tops. Did you know that? I didn’t. A bridesmaid party wore “Last sail before the veil!” tanks. Multiple groups wore family reunion t-shirts. And, most disturbingly, a gaggle of bachelor party bros wore matching gold speedos to the pool, adding the one black mark on an otherwise perfect weekend.

We may have eased back into football season on Saturday, but this coming weekend, we’ll be thrust right into the thick of it.

Georgia is coming to Williams-Brice Stadium.

I will be there.

So will you.

And there’s nowhere I’d rather be.

College football is here. Welcome to Paradise.

*** BRAND NEW: Beginning this week, Scott will write a weekly email newsletter for Gamecock Central. To make sure you receive it in your inbox each week, sign up for our newsletter email list.

*** Scott records a podcast each week. To make sure you never miss one, get the Gamecock Central Radio app in the App Store and Google Play, subscribe (for free) on iTunes, iHeartRadio and YouTube, search for Gamecock Central Radio on popular podcast services, or use our RSS feed.

*** You can follow Scott on Twitter at @scdonfire.